I ran across this talk I gave in Sacrament Meeting a few months ago. It was a timely accident. I've needed another reminder this week.
Four Keys to Successful Child Rearing
Thoughts on M. Russell Ballard’s April ’99 General
Conference Address,
Like a Flame
Unquenchable
I am not here to tell you how to raise your children. I
realize I’m still new at this. I know my toughest years are still to come. Most
of you know more about parenting than I do, and I look to you when I am unsure
how to proceed as a mother. All I can do, today, is share my plan with you. I am going to talk about how I am raising my
children.
If you are not a parent, or if your children are already
raised, please do not zone out on me. So much of this applies to any
relationship. I’m focusing on my relationship with my children, because this is
where I feel the most responsibility for shaping the outcome. If you are not
currently raising children, please apply my ideas to whichever relationship in
which you feel the most responsibility.
I’ve put many years of study and thought into this. I’m
doing my best to anticipate negative situations and to put preventative
strategies in place. I’m doing this as thoroughly and quickly as possible too.
I remember I was only about 12-years-old when I began to
think of my parents as old-fashioned and out of touch with what felt, to me,
like an unprecedented time. I knew what they expected. And while they still served
in an advisory role for me, it was many years before I realized that while the issues
of the 90’s may have looked different from my parents’ experiences in the 50’s
and 60’s, the problems and solutions of my world were—and still are—essentially
very much like theirs’.
I was nearly out of high school before I began to really
truly listen to them again. Luckily—or, perhaps, not so luckily—my parents had
already given me, at age 12, enough tools to find the right answers for myself.
I floundered and struggled for a few years, but when I was ready to stop
messing around, I knew how to go about figuring things out and finding my own
testimony.
So when I became a mother back in 2004, I decided that whatever
direct steering and influencing I wanted to do, for Will, had to essentially be
done within the next 11 years. Any time after that would be considered a bonus.
By my watch, we’re almost there. I promise you, I am working, feverishly, to
make this time count.
Elder Russell M. Ballard, in the April ’99 General
Conference, suggested four things that are essential to good relationships:
1- Information
2- Communication
3- Intervention
4- Example
Information
Elder Ballard says, “The most important, life-changing
information that I know of is the knowledge that we are truly children of God
our Eternal Father. This is not only doctrinally correct, it is spiritually
vital…To know Heavenly Father and to understand our relationship to Him as our
Father and our God is to find meaning in this life and hope in the life to
come.” If we don’t know that, there is no point in learning any part of His
gospel. So teach your children how to find this truth for themselves. Teach
them to pray about it and recognize the spirit’s response. Talk to them about
what they feel. It will take some time for them to develop a powerful, burning
testimony all their own, but help them at least get started.
We are all amazed by the commitment and drive of the first
members of this church. They struggled and pushed through impossible situations
and terrible circumstances. Haven’t we all wondered ‘how on earth did they do
it?’. Elder Ballard points out that knew the gospel well. They were educated
about what they were sacrificing for. And they were truly committed to keeping
the covenants they had made with their Heavenly Father.
Make sure your children know the gospel stories. Make sure
that when they make their baptismal covenant, they know and understand at least
as much as new converts do. Help them be educated before they are baptized.
They cannot develop burning, pioneer strength testimonies if they do not know
what the doctrines of the gospel are.
Remember, it is not the primary’s job, to teach your kids
the gospel. The purpose of primary is to support
you in teaching your kids the gospel. We will try to pick up as much slack
as we can. But we only spend a few hours a week with your kids. You must be the
“primary” gospel source for your kids.
Elder Ballard advises us not to let peer groups, the schools,
the media, or even the church leaders and teachers be the biggest source of
source of influence over our young people. You be that biggest source.
Communication
Communication, including listening, is paramount. We all
know this. But do we really do it? Elder Ballard cautions, what we see in each
other’s eyes and feel in our hearts is more than what we are saying and
hearing. Real communication is so much more than just words.
(PAUSE AFTER QUESTIONS)
Do you know what your kids know about any given gospel topic?
Do you know what they understand about standards such as sex and pornography,
missionary service, basic gospel doctrine, ect.?
Do not just assume that what you’ve said in the past has
been absorbed. Learn what your kids actually do know by asking them questions. Have
them teach mini lessons at Family Home Evening. Then you can revise your
teaching as needed.
I have three eighteen-year-old nephews. Two of them have
given the family cause to worry over the years. They have been the focus of
much intervening. But the third nephew never has caused us worry. He went
through his childhood making all the right choices and jumping through all the
right hoops. We all just assumed he would go on doing so. For the last year or
so, we’ve all been waiting and watching for him to get going with mission
preparations, but it hasn’t happened.
Finally, just a few months ago, someone asked him about his
relationship with his Heavenly Father. He admitted that he didn’t have a
testimony of his own. He hadn’t figured any of it out for himself. None of us
knew that. Any one of us could have helped him with that, but we didn’t know
to, because we didn’t ask.
At this point it is too late for anyone to directly steer
him toward gaining that testimony. He is in charge of what he will be studying
from here on out. He must seek out the truth of the gospel, himself, if he
finds the desire to do so. Perhaps some probing questions, much earlier in his
life, would have shown what he needed to be taught when the opportunity was available
to do so.
Intervention
Pick your battles!
When deciding how to handle something we did that my mother
did not agree with she would always ask herself this, “Is it a preference or a
priority?” If the disagreement was a matter of preference, she would express
her opinion and then let it go. But if the disagreement was a priority, she
would let us know.
I have a brother who really got into that whole fad of
bleaching his hair white and then dying it all sorts of bizarre colors with
Kool-Aide. He looked like a goon for a year or two. My mom was incredibly
patient with that whole thing. She let it go, because hair color is not an
eternal principle of the gospel. Then later, when she came to that same brother
with an issue that was a priority, not just a preference, he was more willing
to listen.
Elder Ballard warns us to judge the situation; do not
destroy the relationship.
Then he goes on to say, “It is the parents’ duty to
intervene when they see wrong choices being made. That doesn’t mean that parents
take from children [or teens] the precious gift of agency...But as parents we
need to make sure they understand appropriate behavior and the consequences [of
pursuing a wrong course of action].”
To me, this means that whatever age our children may be,
tiny or nearly adult, we have the obligation to talk to them about the choices
they make and what the consequences will be. But unless they are in immediate
physical danger, or causing someone else immediate physical danger, we do not
take away their agency by forcing them to do what we want. They cannot learn to
choose the right if we force them to
do the right.
We do not always have the ability to force, anyway. So spend
the opportunities you have letting them experiment with choosing the right and finding
that you know what you’re talking about.
We have allowed our children to crash scooters, and fall off
counters, and break beloved toys and DVD’s that we won’t replace, and give up
fun opportunities when obligations were not met, because after being warned,
they made their own choices. I hope that by doing this, they are learning to
trust us. I hope that later, when the consequences become more serious, they
will believe our warnings.
I also find in myself a desire to exaggerate about
consequences or to offer little white lies when the truth is inconvenient or
uncomfortable. But because of my mother’s example, I resist this desire. I know
she is completely trustworthy, and wouldn’t mislead me, because she never has,
regardless of the situation.
This last Christmas, Will asked me an important question
about a certain Christmas figure. When this has happened in the past I’ve
countered by asking him what he thinks and such. But this year, he would not be
distracted. He wanted to know what I
thought. So, realizing there would be a cost involved, I was honest in my
response.
His heart did break a little and he shed some tears, and I
have since received criticism from friends, but I don’t regret it. I hope that
when Will asks me about my belief in God,
he will completely trust me when I tell him that I do believe in God and have
felt the Holy Spirit testifying to me on that point. Besides, Will really
enjoyed being involved “behind the scenes” of our Christmas preparations this
year.
So, with regard to that most delicate of situations,
intervening in your teenager or young adult son or daughter’s situation, I
realize I have had zero real experience, but here’s my theory: I intend to be
entirely honest about what I believe and feel, while exercising delicacy and
tact, and hopefully, allow them to make their own choices, just as our Heavenly
Father has done for us.
I remember when I was a young adult in college; I was
considering marriage to a boy that my parents didn’t like at all. On multiple
occasions they discussed their thoughts and feelings with me. They were very
clear about why they felt the way
they did and what they thought the
consequences of marrying him could be.
I was stubborn, however, and eager to exercise my newly-achieved
status of independent adult. So I argued and argued. Looking back, I can see
that I was just waiting for my parents to outright forbid me from marrying him,
so I could do just that.
Of course, this realization terrifies me now. I am so grateful
my parents did not attempt to take my agency away from me on this point, even
though I’m sure they were scared to death at the time. Because they taught me
well, and gave me room to make my own choice, I was able to choose freely and
not respond to a command. And thanks to Facebook, I can see that their
predictions, about what my life would have been like had I married this guy,
were not far from the truth.
Also, remember praise is just as important, to intervening,
as criticism. Think about the examples in your life. Am I right? (flash a thumbs-up) Good on ya for all
the times you do it!
Example
This last point is, in my opinion, the most important of
all. So if I’ve lost your attention, please come back to me!
We all know that our children are watching us. But I think
we would all be quite surprised to find out how much our children actually see.
We cannot expect our children to honor, with exactness, the commandments we
give them, unless we honor, with exactness, the commandments our Father has
given us. So we must buck up and do it, if we want them to do it too.
Listen to this most perfect statement from Elder Ballard,
“…one thing is certain: the commandments have not changed. Let there be no
mistake about that. Right is still right. Wrong is still wrong, no matter how
cleverly cloaked in respectability or political correctness…It is neither
subject to public opinion polls nor dependent upon the situation or
circumstance. There is no need to debate it.”
So the first thing we need to do is examine our own store of
information. Do we have a solid, burning, pioneer-strength testimony of gospel
principles? If not, lets get one! Each time we are exposed to gospel doctrine,
lets pray about it and allow the spirit to testify of the truths we are
hearing. This will give us the courage we need to keep commandments when the
going gets tough.
Next, lets train ourselves to stay focused on the long-term,
and eternal, results of our choices, rather than getting bogged down by the
inconvenience of how those choices affect us day to day.
Elder Ballard says, “Sometimes we are tempted to let our
lives be governed more by convenience than covenant. It is usually not
convenient to share the gospel with others. It is [rarely] convenient to
respond to a calling in the Church, especially one that stretches our abilities
[beyond our zone of comfort].” Our neighbors’ need for a helping hand or meal
rarely happens on a lazy Saturday afternoon when we have nothing going on and
our pantry and fridge are stalked with plenty of things to share. Tithing isn’t
only due when all our financial obligations are met and there’s plenty of money
left over.
“But there is no spiritual power in living by convenience.
The power comes as we keep our covenants.
“As we look at the lives of these early Saints, we see that
their covenants were the primary force in their lives. Their example and
testimony were powerful enough to influence generation after generation or
their children”
That is the way we can best influence our children, too.
Summary
1- Give your children gospel information:
-
Help them start their personal relationship with
their Heavenly Father.
-
Teach them the gospel yourself.
-
Educate them about baptismal covenants before
and after they make them.
2- Truly Communicate:
-
Do not just preach.
-
Ask clarifying questions.
-
Do not assume they know or understand what
you’ve taught.
3- Intervene with love, not force:
-
Is it a priority or a preference?
-
DO NOT FORCE.
-
Be completely honest.
-
Praise when possible
4- Set the example:
-
Strengthen your own testimony.
-
Keep your covenants with exactness before
expecting the same of your kids.
Because of agency, we have no guarantee that, if we do all
this stuff, our families will march through, unscathed. But it is my firm
belief that these are the best methods to create closer families and eternal
happiness.
I join with Elder Ballard in praying that “the fire of our
covenants may burn in our hearts like a flame unquenchable” leading us to
absolute righteousness, and thereby, setting the example and paving the way for
our children to do the same.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
